Anger, Retaliation, and My Scion xB
Article by John Beeson from The Bee Hive, dated April 13, 2024.
I drove a little manual 2005 Scion xB for about eight years. It finally gave out after 230,000 miles. I loved that little car. It was fuel-efficient and required minimal maintenance. But it is undeniably close to the least powerful car on the road. I’m pretty sure that on its specs, next to 0-60mph, it says, “Eventually!”
Unless I was lined up against someone from a nearby retirement community, I was the last car to reach the speed limit coming off a stoplight. Unsurprisingly, more aggressive drivers with more powerful vehicles tended to treat my little Scion like a safety cone on the road, more like an obstacle than a fellow traveler.
Coupled with this is that my sense of justice and frustration with unsafe drivers not infrequently slides into sinful anger. I have been tempted to cut off a driver in retaliation more than a few times. But I don’t.
Sometimes, that is because I am pricked with quick repentance and shift a posture of mercy.
Sometimes, that was because I drove a Scion xB.
Even if I wanted to retaliate, I didn’t have the means. My little four-cylinder can’t chase down those high-powered vehicles. I’m grateful for my underpowered Scion. It protected me from my sin on more than a few occasions.
It is the same in life. When I was young, I longed for a bigger platform and more opportunities. Called to vocational ministry when I was ten years old, I didn’t become a pastor until I was 27 and I didn’t become a lead pastor until this year, when I was 40. It was easy to be jealous of those who had opportunities, to think about what it would be like to be a church planter, lead pastor, or be invited to speak.
It’s been startling over the past few years to see several pastors that I had (sinfully) envied in the past for their platforms and ministries unravel as issues have imploded their personal lives and churches.
When my personal life imploded ten years ago, I was an associate pastor at the time and the ripples of the fallout felt massive. The impact of my sin and my wife’s sin was overwhelming. I don’t doubt that there are those it has still negatively impacted. And while we’ve tried to faithfully walk out a reconciliation and restoration process, we recognize that we can’t undo the damage we caused.
I sometimes think of what would have happened if I had gotten the platform I wanted. My heart sinks to think of how many more would have been hurt by me. I’m so grateful for the Scion xB-sized platform he’s granted me. Four cylinders of power aren’t always such a bad thing.
Whatever power I’ve been given, I pray that I humbly steward it, recognizing it’s more than I deserve and more than I can handle on my own. God is gracious when he gives us an xB’s worth of power and gracious when he gives us Ferrari’s worth of power. And whatever he offers us, may it make us trust him and his transforming power within us.